Words of Insight

Or just some random ramblings...

I'm amazed by some people. The things they say and they do. The way that they portray themselves, then what happens when they are called out on the truth of what they are. The things they say about others. How a man acts when he realizes that he can no longer string a woman along. How a woman can allowed herself to be strung along - knowing full well that the man is doing just that. How a man acts when he realizes that the woman he is currently with is friends with his ex. How a person thinks they need to be involved in the lives of everyone around them.

This got me thinking - do I display any of these traits that so annoy me when I see them in others? Because, this is always all about me...

Do I come off as someone that I am not? And how do I respond when I am called out on it? I have always considered myself to be one of the people that 'what you see is what you get'. And off the cuff I cannot think of a situation where I am totally different... I mean I am more professional at school, a little zanier at GAMe, a lot more relaxed at home - but 100% different just to 'fit in'... I don't see it, and if I am it's not on purpose... I find that having several versions of 'self' to be exhausting...

I am wondering about some of the things I say about other people. Unless you have abused me greatly I usually find no reason to slander or say anything negative about you. I don't like to gossip about things like clothes, or jobs, or incomes, or who is dating whom... I get enough of that with my 7th graders. But I admit sometimes gossip just seems so juicy that it traps me. I appologise for those moments of weakness. However - if you have injured me greatly I find it difficult to say positive things about you. So, I generally try to not talk about you at all. Again, there are moments I rant and rave about the injury. Some injuries still fester and boil under the skin - and there are moments where they just find their way out. I appologise for these moments of weakness as well.

Okay, I am not a man... but have I not just flat out ended relationships, or left the man with some hope that I will desire him again... yes, not recently, but in the past I have. I am not proud of this, I learned from my past mistakes. I like closure and resolution to conflict more than I dread conflict. This has always been a part of my life - I have just grown more confident that resolution is the correct thing to seek - and less afraid of conflict. I have resolved that these things should be closed - and they have to be before I can move on from that moment.

Have I allowed my heart cling to the hope of a man that is just keeping me on the back burner will come back and be the knight I so desire. Yes, I have... it is the most worthless waste of energy - I know this, yet I've done it anyway. When I shed that man from that claim he has on my heart it really empowers me to stand up for myself - and to not allow myself to be walked over. Will I be in that place again - I hope and pray not. I have learned huge lessons on guarding my heart.

Am I friends with some of my ex's new girls - I know I have been in the past. At present I've stopped keeping tabs on that. But if I am, know that I've got the girl's back and if you didn't learn from the mistakes you made from me I will beat your face in!! I hear PVC piping is cheap - and makes nice face beaters!!

Now, to be on the other side of the coin... Having a boyfriend that is friends with my ex... I don't know 100% for sure. But if I am, considering my current relationship status, I promise to try and learn from my mistakes - and not repeat them.

Do I feel the need to be in the lives of everyone around me? No. Frankly there are some people in my life that outside of how we know each other - school, GAMe, church, etc. I have no desire to get into your life and tell you what to do. I have the people I care about - and those people I want to be involved in their lives, but if you didn't ask me to be involved with your life - I am sorry if I have imposed myself on your life and given my advice too freely. Please call me out on it and I will do my best to stop.

Okay - like I said this is all about me - and these are some things that I have been pondering...

In other news I am counting down the days until my birthday... not that it's an important one - only a quarter of a century...