Smiles and Nerves

So, I have some of the coolest friends in the world! They make life so much better. They are there when I make life decisions that cause me to fall flat on my ass to pick me up. They say the things I need to hear even if I don’t want to. You guys know why you rock! Thank you all for totally rocking my socks off!

My suite is getting very excited to head off to the various spring break activities planned. All of us are ready for a week of no classes, and limited requirements.

Guatemala is in less then a week! The entire group is beginning to bounce off the walls. However some people bounce in less observable ways, me it’s just obvious. It’s become so much more then just an impending mission trip to me. I’m at a point where I really need to step out of my spiritual comfort zone. With all the preparations we’ve made to educate ourselves about the culture of Guatemala, I realize that this will be like nothing I’ve ever experienced. There is some apprehension about going. Being this tall, blondish gringo I’m going to probably attract some very curious looks. But the excitement I’ve been feeling for over a month now totally overflows and I have to think about being nervous to feel it.

Another thing that is keeping my mind off the nerves is a specific boy. I told myself that after the fiasco last April I would never be interested in a Rider boy again. I broke that, and the same thing is happening again. At least this time I knew why that little voice in the back of my head was so persistent. Here again my friends have been awesome. I love how loyal my friends are, they’ve told me things about the situation that this boy doesn’t have the balls to tell me. At least last year the boy got up off his ass and told me what his deal was. I was angry and hurt for a while, but I got over it and now we’re friends. That might be able to happen if this kid does the same thing. But since I already know, there will be a totally different outcome I won’t be hurt. I’m not going to cry over it. He is not worth that amount of emotional energy. However the longer he takes the angrier I become. The angrier I become, he becomes a bigger douche bag in my mind.

I started asking myself: why do this? Why settle for someone who obviously isn’t God’s best for you? I need to find a way to take the energy I would put into this if I was going to continue into becoming the woman God wants me to be, because in becoming that woman I will become the woman that the man God created for me needs me to be. I will not settle for a man that isn’t good enough for me!