I feel as if my life is that way - the rest of the house is organized but the bedroom is a disaster!
On the outside I appear to be collected and organized. But behind that closed door is a closet that exploded into the room with everything in disarray. Some days I wonder how I managed to keep it all together.
Today for example - I had the appearance of a plan when I went to bed last night. But I left the DVD I was going to show at home. After running home to get it (literally running - I walk to school) I nearly panicked - I didn't have a working DVD player!! After spending my plan running around looking for ANY solution to my problem. I found that I had the key (literally) to my problem in my hand all the time... My kids never knew the difference... for all they knew my morning had gone off perfectly... Organized front - messy bedroom...
Now going a step deeper - how is that like my spiritual life? Do I have the appearance of being the organized totally got it together Christian - all the while trying to keep people from looking into the bedroom (my heart)?
I don't like to think so - and in general that's not true. But in some areas of my life it has the ring of truth. Especially when it comes to the areas of conflict resolution and forgiveness. This is definatly something I try to keep the bedroom door closed on.
I am bullheaded sometimes - and I don't like to let conflict linger. So I try to deal with conflict quickly. Somehow if the conflict doesn't get resolved I find it so hard to forgive. Especially if they hurt me emotionally and don't own up to it. I don't have very many examples of unforgiveness - but the few I've had I have recently discoverd that because of this inability to let it remain unresolved and just forgive. I don't know what it is, but me on my own, with out some HUGE amount of grace, cannot forgive.
The big examples of this in my life haven't become easier now that I am hundreds of miles away... I still cannot seem to let them go. However I don't want want my new friends to see the bitterness and coldness I have hidden in the darkest places of my heart. (Some of it comes from the scars that resulted from the injury they caused, but most of it is just me being angry that they wouldn't resolve it with me.) So I close the bedroom door and pray that no one tries to see the whole apartment.
But I guess that's the thing - I can't hid any of the apartment from God. He sees it - and sometimes (this is more frustrating) - he sends in people that want to see the whole of my heart. The people that see the dirty bedroom - and still love you despite the disaster they find there. Doesn't mean they let you keep it messy! Oh no they challenge you to clean it up. They offer to help you clean if they can.
With some of the bitterness I've felt and still feel - I sometimes wonder why they still love me. I thank God, that even though it really sucks at times, these amazing people are making me take a good hard look at the dark recesses of my heart (the places I'd rather leave alone). I have to WANT from my heart to lighten them up before God can come in an bring His light to them. I can't change these areas if I keep the door closed and don't look at it.
I have these amazing friends that are challenging me... and I am trying. Thanks for your prayers and support!
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